I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
President The Rock Obama
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.