Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
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is this a warning or an offer?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?