[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
A family that plays together cheats.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???