My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.