Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.