SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.