Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
You Might Also Like
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
rise and shine we got egg
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.