Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence