Good morning!
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ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
The smoothest fall of all time
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.