Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
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A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.