I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
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Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Thank you corporation very cool
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.