Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.