My mother’s maiden name is Password.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
what it’s like dating me:
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Realize this:
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”