My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.