“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.