No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Pigeon open mic night.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.