Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
You Might Also Like
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou