[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.