Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
You Might Also Like
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*