Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.