you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
There are no pants in heaven.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
when nothing goes right… go left
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
New Tinder profile.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel