Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
🤣🤣
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)