Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.