[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.