A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!