“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest