JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
They’re not wrong
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
everyone’s a critic
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.