The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Baller is short for ballerina
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER