Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
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Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”