Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My life in a nutshell
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.