My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
You Might Also Like
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.