If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Jail
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
translated into Canadian