I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.