‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t