NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
You Might Also Like
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?