*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
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wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.