Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
You Might Also Like
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Extremely relatable.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth