A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
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FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up