My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
He wanted to make sure😂
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…