I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I only eat vegetarians.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women