captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.