The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Batman v Dracula
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.