Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My flabber has been gasted.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
This probably isn’t good
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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