Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair