[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
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The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?