godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
You Might Also Like
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
the simulation is moving too fast
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother