My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.