DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it