French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Bruh PLEASE
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
The answer is funnier than the question
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.