My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily